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Leaving the gym today both kids fell asleep in the car, which is unheard of as my daughter gave up naps months ago and my son usually fights sleep to the death. I was meeting some family members for breakfast and had time to kill so I just pulled over to let them sleep. I’m watching them through the rearview mirror and I just can’t get over how peaceful and serene they look. I get this sudden sense of panic at times when I see them this still. I picture poor, innocent children who have died and imagine their parents having to look at them in a small coffin. (Why this horrible thought comes to mind I don’t know. Something for a therapist to dissect I suppose). My heart breaks and I cannot even go there with my own children. It is too painful to even imagine.

I am reading this book right now called The Shack (I’ll post a full review upon completion) and I’ve had trouble getting through it. Not because it isn’t interesting…it is, but because of the painfulness of the content. Without giving too much away, a six-year-old girl is kidnapped and presumed to have been killed. The story is about the father’s constant sadness and overwhelming guilt, and the effect that has had on his relationship with God. How this plays out is devastatingly heartbreaking, but comforting as well. As a parent you cannot help but put yourself in his shoes. My world would crumble if anything were to ever happen to my children. I truly don’t know if I could go on. I am amazed by the strength of parents who have suffered the loss of a child but have somehow not only found the will to go on, but the ability to put that horrendous tragedy into amazing perspective. They are much stronger than I. Of that I am certain.

I am brought back to my kids’ reflections in the mirror. I sit in awe of how gorgeous they are. Not in simply the aesthetic sense, though they are certainly gorgeous on the outside, but the beauty of their innocence. The pure joy they express towards things that captivate them. Our world would be such a better place if adults could reclaim some of that lost innocence and joyous amazement at the world around us. Here’s to hoping. For now though I’ll just pray that my children are kept safe and that they never lose their awe of life.