Play dates, Strangers, and other Such Things

I would consider myself a cautious parent, perhaps a tad overprotective. I obviously want my kids to experience things on their own but I also want to ensure that my children are safe and I am not doing anything that could put them into harm's way. An issue that has come up a lot since our daughter has started school is 'after school play dates.'

Prior to this year "play dates" meant either going over to my sister's house so she could play with her cousins, her cousins coming here or getting together with friends I have known for years. She has made some great friends at school and I have little reason to believe any of their parents would wish any harm to befall my child. However, I don't know them. I know that different parents have different philosophies and what might be allowed in their home might not be allowed in ours and vice versa. Our general rule has been, since quite a few of her school friends live in our particular neighborhood, that they can play outside in front of houses, but not in each other's homes. This has worked out well as the few girls she plays with have parents with similar philosophies.

Lately though I have had repeated offers from one of the girl's family members (not her mother, but another member who watches this little girl after school) to have our daughter come over and play. Truthfully I am not comfortable with this at all. They live close to us, but not in our neighborhood and the little interaction I have had with the mother and her husband was uncomfortable enough to give me pause. This family member asked me a week or so ago if my daughter could come over. I explained to her that our general rule was to not allow play dates unless either myself or my husband went as well. She seemed okay with this, however this would also require that I take my son and other daughter over as well, which I don't want to presume is okay with them and frankly, and this sounds bad, but it's more hassle than it's probably worth.

So, any advice on how to handle this? I don't mind going over a couple of times and truthfully if I had a better feeling about the girl's mother and step-father I would not be as nervous about this but we have very different ideas about what is appropriate, etc.

Neighborly

We bought our house when our neighborhood was being built. We were actually the third house up and saw the rest of the homes go up around us. Two years after moving in we had our first child and two more have followed since. Our oldest is now five and until a few months ago we could have sworn that no other kids lived in our neighborhood.

Then our daughter went off to school, our local public school. Each afternoon after school let out our streets and sidewalks became filled with kids riding bikes, scooters, playing catch, etc. Then, out for a walk one day, our daughter saw a classmate and they were beyond thrilled to learn they lived so close to each other. In the week since kids have come out of the woodwork. One of our daughter's best friends lives just down the road from us on our same street. Ironically, they have lived there almost as long as we have and yet we have never run into each other. Now, we are out almost everyday after school watching our children play as well as the weekends. It's actually really nice. It seems strange though that after 7 years we are finally starting to meet more of our neighbors, especially those with children.

Some of my best childhood memories are those that involve playing with the neighborhood children. We rode bikes, played ball in the street, went in and out of each other's homes as if they were our own. Today people are much more cautious and stand offish and I can understand much of that, but it sure would be nice to have a little bit more of that true neighborly and community feeling and we are starting to have some of that. It's nice.

Facebook and Me

I reluctantly joined Facebook a little over a year ago after caving into some hard-core peer pressure. (Yes, I know...I'm weak, so weak)! Relatively quickly I got back into contact with a ton of old friends and even some former really great friends who I had just lost contact with over the years. It was nice catching up, hearing about what was going on in their lives, and going through pictures of their kids. It felt like the past 10-15 years had been condensed into a high-light reel, which is many instances is a good thing.

But then I started getting friend requests from people I barely knew in high school and/or college. My first instinct was to reject the friend request, but I figured that might be too mean, so I started approving everyone. You know, it just seems a bit ridiculous though that if I never spoke to you or you me in real life that we are all of a sudden Facebook pals.

Then for some of these people (and in all honesty some actual friends as well) their Facebook page became the place for them to rant about politics or religion or the state of education and on and on and on. Truthfully, that is the part I HATE, LOATHE, DESPISE about Facebook. I started hiding "these people" from my news feed and then I started deleting them as friends. The one good thing about Facebook is that when you defriend someone they don't send out a notice announcing that a defriending has taken place. I can just slink quietly away and hope they forget about me and our Facebook friendship.

I have thought regularly about deleting my account entirely, but then realized I would miss the updates from actual friends who live half a world away. It is a quick, easy way to keep in touch with people I am friends with in "real life" and I wouldn't want to sacrifice that because of a few annoyances.

So, today I bravely logged on and started deleting "friends." My criteria was simply two-fold: a)If we weren't friends or spoke on a regular basis in real life then you were cut; b)If we haven't communicated regularly through Facebook in the past 6 months you were cut. At first I was super hesitant to hit that "delete friend" button. Pretty soon though I had deleted around 30 people and here, five minutes later, I probably couldn't tell you one of their names. It felt freeing, liberating!

Are you on Facebook? Do you occasionally "weed out" friends?

Rejuvination

Many of my closest, most trusted friends don't live in the same city I do. While we keep in touch via email, text, and phone calls it's not the same as being able to meet up for dinner or just hang out and chat. This weekend one of my closest friends who I used to teach with was in town. The thing about Jan* is that we can always just pick up right where we left off. It's like we talk everyday. The conversation comes easy and I trust her implicitly.

So, Friday I was able to spend close to seven hours just catching up on her life, catching her up on mine, catching up on mutual friends, talking politics, religion, education, marriage, parenting, our thoughts and feelings on just about everything, etc. And it was great! At the end of every conversation we both lament about how we've been missing that since I moved away.

One of the topics of conversation was how I rarely do things for myself anymore. I do a lot for my husband and kids and by the time that is done there's not much effort, energy, or money left for me, so I go without. The example I gave was that I used to be naturally blond. As I got older my hair started getting darker and so I would have it highlighted every couple of months. I loved the way it looked. After I had our daughter my hair got even darker and not once in the past five years have I had my hair colored or high lighted. After being properly chastised for not treating myself once in a while to something simple that would make me feel better, I silently made the decision right there to make it to the hair salon this weekend.

So, today I went and had a little more than 4 inches cut off my hair, bringing it up to the top of my shoulders and then also had blond highlights added, giving my hair a lighter overall look while not truly looking colored. You know what? Jan* was totally right. It was an instant picker upper.

I guess sometimes I just need a little reminder to do things for myself because ultimately it will make me a better wife and mother. It's nice to have a friend who will remind me of this. It was also a good example and reminder of what a positive, healthy, supportive, unconditional friendship should be.

*name changed for purposes of anonymity

Only Shell

I once had a friend who thought for herself. She had her own opinions and own ideas. She then got a boyfriend and quickly adopted all of his views, did whatever he said, went wherever he told her. They'd inevitably break up and she'd move on to the next guy, whose views, even if they were in direct conflict with the previous guy's, she'd just as eagerly adopt. This went on for years. She no longer remembered how she really felt, what she really thought. She was lost. She became who each guy said she was, who he instructed her to be.

One day she married one of these guys. Gradually, over time, he told her what to think and believe, told her how to act and how not to act. He isolated her from her friends and family. His family became hers and took precedent over her natural family. His friends and siblings became her friends and siblings and she forsook her own. This whole transition was not only scary, but sad. It is how I imagine indoctrination into a cult being. She is now merely a shell of who she once was.

I'm fairly certain that deep down, in a place she will rarely access, let alone acknowledge, she knows all of this to be true. But she's trapped now. A marriage and progeny tie her to this new life. She believes she has too much to lose if she leaves. At least this is what I gauge to be true as a vacant, glazed look overtakes her eyes as her husband enters the room. The only time her eyes begin to clear is when he is far from earshot and she reminisces about times a decade or two ago. It is like she is quietly reminded of the hope she once had, the person she once was before she gave it all up to be who someone else wanted her to be. The ironic thing is, that I think she could be hopeful again if she was simply allowed to be herself.

I sometimes think that one day she is going to wake up and think, "What the hell have I done?" She's sacrificed much; she's given up entire parts of herself and allowed herself to be molded into this person that's barely recognizable. What if, one day, he wants her to be someone else?

While I don't agree with what she has done, I can understand it. It is for self-survival. She could never exist in this new family and circle of friends without adopting their views. They would eat her alive, belittle, and ridicule her. So, in turn she feels that she has to strike first, attacking those whose views go against "The Family." She has to prove she belongs. Unfortunately, those attacked are her former family and friends...those who knew her before she traded in who she was for what he needed and demanded her to be. Which makes it all the more sad. It is as if she has to be so forceful, insulting, confrontational, and borderline hateful in order to convince herself and others that this is who she really is. She is one of THEM.

More than anything, I now just feel sorry for her and pray she can live the next fifty years as someone she is not.

**Fictional piece; any similarities to actual people are unintentional

Keep on Truckin'

It is easy sometimes to take for granted the things we have been blessed with. I know that I am often guilty of this. It saddens me to think how many hours a week my husband has to work and how much he misses out on with our kids, yet because he works that much we can afford to pay our bills. While he works close to eighty hours a week there are others (and some in our immediate circle) who don't have jobs at all. When I think about their uncertain future it makes me so much more grateful that my husband is employed. I oftentimes think it would be easier if we had more disposable income (who doesn't?) to blow on luxuries and non-necessities and then I think about those who can't afford food to feed their families or those who are losing their homes. It is hard to not see my husband as often as I would like and I wish he and I had time to go out alone and spend more time together, yet then I think about a couple of friends of mine who are currently going through divorces and will be starting their lives over as single women. It makes me thankful for the time, however little it may be, that I do have with him.

Times seems to be rough for a lot of people right now. The economic struggles seem to permeate into the personal lives of those battling hardship. How can it not? As tough as things sometimes get I always try to remind myself to be thankful for what we have. We have food, clothing, and shelter. We have our health and our love for one another. Nobody is putting his/her life on the line fighting a war as many of our American men and women are doing on a daily basis. For all of those things I am thankful.

When I look around and see friends or people I know losing their homes, the lives they knew, their marriages, and their self-esteem it is disheartening and discouraging. However, it makes me that much more intent on making what I have and what my family has work. Everything is cyclical and what goes down must come up and while things are far from ideal we keep plugging away, holding on, working together. And that has to count for something.

This Too Will Pass

Everything with children comes and goes in phases. This is true of behavior, interests, dislikes, sayings, and the like. When my daughter was first born she went through phases that were foreign to me. Heck, she was my first born; I didn't know what to expect. I thought when she screamed every night for three hours straight, just in order to calm herself, that this would never pass. But it did. I thought her unwillingness to share her toys with others might mean she'd grow up to be selfish. It too passed and she shares willingly and graciously now. I thought the horrible tantrums that lasted over a year and that would go on for hours meant she surely must have some behavioral disorder. I thought she would never overcome the incredible shyness she possessed early on. However, like all that had come before it too passed. The thing is that people told me it was a phase. They told me it would pass. My parents, my friends with children, my pediatrician, well-meaning acquaintances all assured me that nothing was wrong and all children behaved this way. Every child goes through a wide-range of phases. But I worried and fretted.

Then I had my son ( two years ago now) and while he hasn't gone through the same phases my daughter did he has gone through phases of his own, that eventually passed as well. I'm much more prepared this time around. I'm more relaxed and not convinced that every phase is an indication that I have somehow failed as a mother or that every tantrum is indicative of some type of behavioral issue that will guarantee my child a spot in the federal or state penal system down the road.

I wish I would have listened to everyone sooner. I wish I would have just chilled out a bit and not worried so much. I realize now how pointless all that worry was. My daughter has her days like any other child, but she's happy, healthy, caring, empathetic, sweet, intelligent, and the list goes on. She doesn't scream herself to sleep at night, she doesn't refuse to share her toys, she doesn't have tantrums that go on for hours. She's a normal, well-adjusted almost 4 year old.

Everything is a phase and everything will pass. As a parent it is hard for me to trust that sometimes. But I have to. I have living proof that this is true as I'd venture to say most parents do too.

So, what are/were some of the phases your children went through that you were convinced would never pass?

In Need of A Nap

My husband was home for three straight days over the weekend. This rarely happens. Many things became evident during the course of these 72 hours.

One is how many things I was able to get done. Just having someone else entertain the kids for a while opens up a whole new world. I finished a handful of articles I had been working on and got one major piece done and sent off to the editor five entire days ahead of schedule. I was able to finish, fold, and put away all the laundry which admittedly I have been slacking on lately. I was also able to run some errands sans kids.

The second observation I made was how much easier everything becomes with two parents. I have just learned how to do most daily (and nightly most of the time) things on my own with the kids because that is the way it is. Having someone else help me was heaven and took us half the time to do it.

The third thing I noticed was how it seemed that we had so much more time. I normally feel like I hardly have any time to do anything, maybe because I am trying to do everything. This weekend we were able to do so much. We are probably getting a new car this week so we went to look at it Saturday. We also did some yard work so guests no longer have to walk through the jungle that was our tree trying to get to our front door.

Sunday we went to church, out for lunch, and then had some friends come over. They just started a spice and marinade business and got picked up by most of the major grocery stores so they brought over a ton of stuff for us to try before it hits the shelves late next month. Then Monday we went to an outdoor mall, had a picnic, and spent the afternoon at home relaxing. It would be nice if we had more of these three day weekends.

So, how was your weekend and what did you spend it doing?

Pearl Jam's Ten and Other Stuff

The summer before my freshman year of high school I was invited by the high school basketball coach to try out for a summer league team. I ended up making the Varsity, which meant that I was significantly younger than most of my teammates. Coming from the small, parochial school that I did I had not been introduced to what is now some of my favorite music.

That summer, and actually for the next year into the following summer, we travelled all over playing in different tournaments, which meant we spent a lot of time in vans listening to a host of artists, popping one tape out of the deck (yes, a tape deck) and replacing it with the next. The album that probably got the most play was Pearl Jam's Ten, rivaled by Nirvana' Nevermind. I fell in love with it instantly. I listened to it so much that I wore it out and had to buy a new one. When CD's were the latest rage, Ten, was one of the first purchases I made.

Needless to say when I heard Pearl Jam was coming out with a remastered version of Ten I was very excited. I got to listen to it tonight(and subsequently ordered it) and was duly impressed. Somewhere during the first song all these memories from those days 17 years ago came flashing back. I remember listening to it on my walkman, standing in an elevator, in Vegas with a few of my teammates. I remember sitting with a few of my teammates listening to "Jeremy" over and over again in our hotel room alternating its play with Nirvana's album. I remembered rooming, in California, with our most "wild" of teammates who every morning would blast "Money" by Pink Floyd as she showered and got dressed. To this day I cannot hear the "Cha-Ching" of the intro without thinking of her....and fondly so. I remembered listening to Hunger Strike by Temple of the Dog over and over again, and being introduced to Phish by the eldest member of our team, someone I looked up to and respected greatly. Seriously sweet memories of some of my all-time favorite people.

It's amazing how just hearing songs can take you back to a different time, a different place, and provoke all these memories of a time since passed. I loved those days, love those people, and love the music I love today because of many of them. I simply cannot wait to listen to Ten again so many years later.

Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

There is a neighbor who we have befriended and who we allow quite regularly to use our computer in order for her to communicate with her family, pay her bills, etc. She is alone and a long way from home. I always have her use the office desktop, which I rarely use anymore since getting my laptop, and give her privacy when she comes over.


Well, apparently each day she comes over (which some days is many times a day) she scrolls through all my sites that I had bookmarked. She checks all blogs I have ever read, many of the ones marked favorite on that computer aren't even the current ones I read. She has also apparently been able to access quite a few personal accounts because I had clicked "remember password" on many of them. She accessed a work-related website and read drafts of articles I was working on. So, basically she has been snooping for MONTHS. I "caught" her doing it this morning and asked what she was doing. She had no shame in admitting that she was "checking out what I was into." Okay.....apparently, she would scroll from site to site repeatedly after she finished checking her email and paying her bills to "see if anything interesting popped up." Seriously? I could care less that she searched through blogs or other Internet sites that I read or have read in the past. After all, they are on a public forum. I do take issue with the fact that she opened personal folders that store professional correspondence. I take further umbrage with the fact that she doesn't view this an invasion of privacy or an abuse of privilege.


So, I am thinking that my days of being so generous are over. I did tell her that I wasn't comfortable with her using our computer if she was going to look through our files and that I would have to think about whether or not my husband and I were comfortable with her coming over for computer time anymore. She honestly didn't seem to think what she had been doing was a problem. So, what do you think? What should I do? What would you do?

A Mother's Intuition

When my daughter was born I fell instantly in love. There are no words adequate for the instant bond I felt. I held her constantly, let her sleep on my chest, I rocked her and nursed her to sleep, picked her up the second she began to cry, etc. I had friends tell me to put her down or she'd get spoiled, they told me to put her in her crib or she'll never sleep alone. They told me to put her to bed when she was awake or she wouldn't learn to fall asleep, and they told me to let her cry it out. I didn't listen.

When my son came along almost two years later I did the exact same thing and those same friends gave the same "advice" and again I didn't listen. And you know what? I am soooooo glad I didn't. My children are independent, they sleep in their beds, they go to sleep without having to be rocked or nursed, they aren't cry babies and they aren't spoiled because of being held too much.

My children still love to cuddle, they still like me to read and sing to them before they go to sleep. They still ask me to hold them and comfort them and I do all these things willingly and eagerly. I do them because I know there is going to come a day when they will just wander up to their rooms and go to bed. I do them now because I know there will come a day when they won't want me to hug and kiss them and shower them with affection. I do these things now and savor them because in the not too distant future my children won't want or need them done and I will miss doing them.

Time goes by so quickly. Anyone with children can attest to that. I am glad I ignored all the naysayers and did what my gut and intuition led me to do. I have precious memories of my children and wonderful moments that I will forever remember that I wouldn't have if I wouldn't have rocked them to sleep, let them sleep on my chest, or nurse them to sleep. For instance I wouldn't know that my son rubs my face in his sleep when he sleeps on my chest. I wouldn't know that my daughter whispered "mama" over and over again as I rocked her to sleep as a baby. I wouldn't know that my son clasps and folds his hands over and over again as he nurses to sleep. I also know that because both of my children were comforted and given an abundance of security as young children they now have the confidence and security to fall down, get hurt, get back up and not expect hysterics on my part or my husband's. They know they are okay and they know that if they weren't I would be right there to comfort them.

I think a parent's bond with his/her child is an amazing thing. It's hard to describe and hard to imagine ever feeling that way until you become a parent. Then you can't imagine ever not feeling this way. I know some amazing women who happen to be amazing mothers and we all do what we think and/or know is best for our children and I think that is simply beautiful.

Social Butterfly

My daughter has turned into a social creature. She loves interaction with other children. I am constantly amazed at her ease of making friends at the park, play dates, ballet class, at church, and other social functions. She and I are alike in so many ways, but this is not one of those ways. She definitely has inherited my husband's sense of social ease.

I enjoy my friends, don't get me wrong. But I am usually just as content alone. I rarely crave the social interactions like she does. She has quite a few cousins and one is just a few months younger than she. My daughter has been asking for weeks now if she could come over and play. Every morning we get up she asks me to call my sister to see if her cousin can come over to our house. Sure, no problem....except for the fact that my kids were sick for over a month. Then just as mine started to recover my sister's kids became sick. I've been staving off a very persistent 3 year old for a solid month now.

Fortunately, tomorrow that will change. My sister is dropping my niece off for a couple of hours to play with my daughter. I don't think I could have lived through another day of my daughter following me around with a telephone telling me to call my sister.

So Free

Last night I was able to go out for drinks with a good friend from college. She travels to Tucson frequently for business and so we have been able to meet for dinner quite often over the past year. Usually though I have my children in tow. Last night, however, my husband was home and so the children were left behind. For all of you fellow mothers out there, you know why this is a big deal. I got to go out alone for almost 4 hours, complete a conversation without constant interruption, discuss a variety of adult topics without having to spell out certain words or phrases that I don't want little ones to repeat, and drink more than one alcoholic beverage. I had a blast.

I seriously need to make it a point to do that type of thing more often. Just that small break completely rejuvenated me and gave me the will to go on...haha. So, I am looking forward to my next solo night out in the coming weeks.