Redshirting The Boy

So, I have written about this in the past (I also realize I meant to write NHL, not NFL....duh!). Since writing that post we made a decision, revisited that decision, and then made a different decision of which I now feel was the right decision.

A few months ago we decided we were going to have our son start Kindergarten this August. He'd be young for his grade, but he really wanted to go and academically we felt he would be okay. I didn't feel overly confident in this decision. I don't worry that he'd have any problem in Kindergarten but I did worry that maybe those little gaps of immaturity or those little gaps of being super sensitive will become bigger gaps when he reaches 1st and 2nd grade. At that point it becomes difficult to slow the train down, so to speak. I talked with the teacher who would be his Kinder teacher. She thought he'd be fine to start, but also acknowledged that I know him best and generally speaking holding younger boys back a year is never a bad idea. I talked with mothers, my own included, who sent their young sons off to school and to this day regret it. My brother she sent to school young is now a successful lawyer in Chicago, so it's not like he was not successful, but both she and my brother think things were much harder on him than they had to be and truly believe much of those struggles could have been eliminated had he been given "the gift of a year."

The more people I talked to, the more I really became uncomfortable with our decision. The tipping point was when I called a friend from college. We went through the College of Education together and she taught elementary for a number of years before opening her own pre-school. She gave me a host of reasons why giving the "gift of a year" is a good idea. The two that stuck with me were 1). She is more concerned with where students start emotionally than academically. You can always catch a kid up academically. You can tutor them, etc. You cannot teach or tutor maturity.2). You can only give this gift of a year one time. Once you start them in school there is not really any turning back. Sure, kids can get held back or just press on and struggle. But you only get to truly decide for them ONCE and what is the rush to start them?

Once my husband and I came to realize holding him back a year would likely be best and I verbalized that, it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. There was instant relief. It was like I had been holding my breath all this time and I could finally exhale.

So, we are going to do half-day preschool instead to get him used to school and give him an extra year to mature a bit. I realize our decision isn't right for everyone and some people even feel kids shouldn't be held back under any circumstance, but it is what is right for our son in this particular instance and I couldn't feel any better about this decision.

The Conclusion of Fall Break

My dear daughter has had the week off school for Fall Break. It has been glorious. I love having her home. Even thought she is in the midst of her second year in school (and loves it) I miss her terribly each and every day that I have to send her to school. It is not a feeling that has subsided as the days have passed. The thought of sending my little man off to Kinder next year is enough to render me inconsolable for at least ten years. But that's another story for another day.

This week has just been a fun week of spending time together. Last weekend to start her break she had a birthday party for a classmate, which was a lot of fun for her. The next day my husband and I took our kids and my almost 6 year old niece down to the University of Arizona and then out to dinner. It was a wonderful day and evening and the kids had a great time being together. My husband was off Monday so I loaded the day with doctors appointments: dentist visits for the kids and flu shots for me and the hubby. The kids got to spend some time at their great-grandma's house, which they (and she) love. My daughter also got to spend the night with the aforementioned cousin, and then today we had my nephew's 4th birthday party. My dad is also in from DC so they were able to spend some time with him as well. Tomorrow I am going to take the older two kids to see Dolphin Tale.

I am really sad to see this week come to an end. I love having our daughter home during the day and I really, truly miss her when she is gone. So, I am glad we had such a great week to spend together.

A Note to My Daughter's School

Dear School Personnel,

Please take care of my baby this year. Be kind, compassionate, challenging, and fair. Foster her love of learning and her love of school in general. Encourage her inquisitiveness. Protect her, care for her, demand her best and be a good example. Most of all, treat her as if she were your own.

Love,

Her Mother

Kindergarten Redshirt Year

All of my kids have summer birthdays and in Arizona meet the age cutoff (must be 5 by Sept 1 or else they have to wait until the following year to start) to start school right after they turn 5. However, by doing that they are young for their grade. Our daughter who has a July birthday started school in August after just having turned 5. She went to school with kids who were already 6 and kids who would turn 6 a few months in. She was the second youngest in the class with a little boy turning 6 a few days after she did. I didn't worry about sending her because she was more than ready both academically and socially. She thrived in school and had a wonderful year. I expect her 1st grade experience to be more of the same.

Our son just turned 4 at the very end of May. He is slated to start Kindergarten in August 2012, so next school year. I have recently been having discussions with my husband about "redshirting" him and waiting to start him until August 2013 instead, so he would start school having just turned 6. My reasons for doing this are many but primarily while I have no doubt he is likely ready academically I do worry about him socially in the sense that I feel schools are set up for how girls learn. They are not necessarily conducive to what is best for young boys. I don't know that he could sit still for 20 minutes and listen or work on an activity and I don't know if in a year from now, when he is able to start, he'll be ready then either. He's a well-behaved but highly active boy and I don't want him "beaten into submission" at school if giving him an extra year can harness and tame some of that energy naturally. There is a ton of research to back up that boys who wait a year and start a bit older tend to do better in school long-term. There is also the whole NFL Hockey thing where statistically NFL Hockey players tended to be older for their grade in elementary school. The theory goes that they are more physically developed than some of their peers, thereby becoming the better players in high school and college. There are also cons which we are well versed in too.

I've started mentioning my dilemma to a few friends only to find out that many of them are struggling with the same decision and for many of the same reasons I have mentioned. I go back and forth but I keep coming back to the fact that I have never once heard a parent say, "I wish I wouldn't have held my son back that year." However, I have heard many, my mother included, say, "I wish I would have held my son back and given him an extra year to mature a bit."

I am curious if you have any experience with this? Did you hold your son back? Do you wish you did? Were you intentionally held back?

Part II in the Age Appropriateness Saga

The more I thought about the whole issue, the more bothered I became. I was certainly bothered by the video shown but I was more bothered by the Pastor's response. Prior to this experience I had really liked him, thought well of him, and would likely have never questioned his judgment. However, this decision and more specificially his continual defense of his decision has made me realize that there are deep pedagogical and practiccal differences in what he views as appropriate for children and what my husband and I view as appropriate. My husband and I, as I am sure most parents, make judgments all the time about what we feel is appropriate to expose our kids to. Sometimes we have been wrong and we acknowledge that and we know to do things differently next time. I don't feel that this was the case here. While he ultimately removed the Kindergarteners (and my daughter who is going into first) from further viewing of the movie in subsequent days he continued to defend its appropriateness for grades 1 and above. I feel like at home we work hard to protect the innocense of our children. Even sending her to a public school, where the fear among evangelical conservatives is that their children will be exposed to inappropriate content, be it sexual, violence, etc, she wasn't exposed to anything close to this. It is very bothersome to me that the place she was unapologetically exposed was at a church. (The irony is that my particular brand of religion, at least the one I was raised in, is pretty critical of public education and the influence of people affiliated with it. The irony is not lost on me that the place where my child was first exposed to grpahic violence was not at the public school but at a church. If my daughter's Kindergarten teacher would have shown a video with a similar graphic nature she would be out of a job. But that's another topic).

We were made aware that there were other parents who also were bothered by this showing and expressed concern as well. It was suggested by multiple people that maybe that time could be better spent doing something other than watching the video. This suggestion was rebuffed. My husband emailed the Pastor that evening after viewing the video himself and wanted to make sure our daughter would be revmoved from the viewing the following day. He also called into question the educational value of such a long clip (25-30 minutes) for that young of an age group.

A flurry of email exchanges took place. The Pastor's initial email response was pretty strongly worded and pretty defensive, which only served to escalate the situation a bit.. He continued to defend his choice, standing firm in his insistence that it has educational value. In fact he believes "the movie in general does a fantastic job of reinforcing the lesson...it tied in completely." He went on to say, "We thought so highly of the tone of the movie that it was worth the time to take to view." (To be entirely fair he did apologize for the "difficulty it has caused you and your family." However, there was no apology for the actual showing, just our perception of it being inappropriate).

My husband's concern at this point, with the Pastor's continual defense, was that:

As a parent who entrusts my children to the Pastors who are charged with protecting, teaching, and nurturing them it concerns me you find this appropriate and continue to defend its use.

I think it best that this discussion simply end. Much of this exchange could have been avoided had your response been different when my wife first brought the concern to you or even your initial response to my email. A simple, "I am sorry you were offended. Maybe we shouldn't have shown this. We won't do it again." would have shown a more genuine attempt on your part to understand and address our concern. Both my wife and I feel you have been more concerned about defending your decision than legitimately addressing our concern or showing any amount of empathy.

My husband and I were then a bit conflicted. We both would have liked to not send her back but we also didn't want her to know there was a conflict. So, we did send her on Thursday and she did not view the video. They put the Kindergarteners (and my daughter) in with the 3-4 year olds. When my husband went to pick her up yesterday grades 1-6 were watching another segment from the film. Those aren't my children so it wasn't really my business anymore, but because of this experience I would likely not allow my children to attend another function at this church. Or if I were to reconsider I would definitely want to view any curriculum or instructional aides ahead of time. If I can't trust the Pastor's judgment about what is age appropriate then I feel like I am playing a game of Russian Roulette each time I send my kids off there. It's a shame all the way around.

I don't want to bash religion or Christians. I am a Christian. We raise our children in the church. However, it is difficult for me when Christians behave in ways that are so antithesis to what the Bible instructs. Why would anyone who is not a Christian ever want to be one when things like this happen? VBS is used as a community outreach. The goal of every church who puts on a VBS is to not only provide Christian instruction for its members but also to maybe get unchurched visitors who would consider joining. While I am not a member of this particular church, I am at this church's sister church. What if I were just a random member of the community and this was my exchange with a Pastor? I would never go back. If that was my only exposure to Christianity and Christians I certainly wouldn't want to be one. Right or wrong, people are judge on behavior and in this instance I feel there were multiple opportunities for this Pastor to back off his stance that this video was age appropriate. But he didn't. He continued to defend it and continued to show it despite having concerns brought to him by multiple parents. To me that just seems like someone trying to dig in his heels and not someone who is interested in truly trying to understand where anyone else was coming from.

Bottom line is the issue is over. It happened. I now know that this is how this particular Pastor responds to issues of concerns brought by parents and knowing that I will make decisions regarding my children accordingly.

An Issue of Age-Appropriateness

So, I want to share with you an experience I had today and get some feedback on both my reaction and the response I received. My almost 6 year old daughter attended Vacation Bible School today at a church affiliated with our usual church. At the end of the day they were watching a video about the story of Joseph and Potiphar's Wife. A quick recap for those who are unfamiliar: Joseph is sold by his brothers to Potiphar. Potiphar's wife seduces Joseph and then lies to Potiphar, telling him the reverse and making up other lies about Joseph's behavior. The portion of the movie I walked in on was when Joseph was being whipped for his supposed transgressions. I included the video below (please fast forward to the 2 minute mark and watch until the 2:32 mark). This was shown to the class today, including kids as young as 5.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-SWodAV0sY&feature=related

I was bothered. I felt it was a little intense for that age group. It further bothered me when the entire first row of little kids gasped and put their hands over their eyes (my daughter included). We are very careful about what we let our kids watch. Their exposure to television is very limited and we certainly don't let them watch shows with graphic, violent content.

At the end I approached the Pastor, who in general I feel is a very nice man. However, his response today was very disappointing. In a very non-confrontational way I told him that I was a bit concerned about the graphic nature of the video as that is not something I would choose to show my children. His initial response was that because it happened that way in the Bible he does not believe we should alter, modify, water down, change, etc. the specifics. I pointed out that, while I agree that the stories shouldn't be changed, I didn't think it was then necessary to show the visual reenactment of something that could possibly be upsetting to young children. I stated that while my children knew the details of Jesus' crucifixion I wouldn't go home and show them Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ until they were older and it was more age appropriate. He disagreed. My response was that when I was teaching in a public HIGH SCHOOL I would not have been allowed to show that clip (and not because of the religious nature, but because of the graphic content). I further pointed out that any clip I did want to show had to be approved by the principal first and then I had to send out permission slips that gave parents the opportunity to opt their child out. I explained that I felt like we should have been given some notice that this type of video was going to be shown.

His “solution” was that tomorrow I could put my 1^st grader in with the 3-4 year olds because they watch a cartoon version. I just wanted him to understand that while some kids are exposed to that or aren't bothered by that, I KNEW that this was something that was going to bother my daughter. He dismissed that concern. There was more, but essentially he disagreed, which is fine, but also completely dismissed and invalidated my concerns about the content and the fact that he made a decision about what he felt was appropriate for my child to view without giving me the opportunity to have any input. Further there were some very patronizing “solutions” offered.

My daughter, who had no knowledge of my conversation with the pastor, came and found me and the first thing she told me was about this “terrible movie where this bad man whipped Joseph and his blood went all over.” She was very bothered and has talked about it ALL day. Further, she drew a picture for my grandmother depicting a man getting beat. She explained, “This is Joseph. He's getting whipped and this red part is his blood going all over.” Not really something I am happy about.

While the showing of the video bothers me, the Pastor's response bothers me even more. He could have said, “You know, I made a judgment call. I felt it was appropriate. I'm sorry if it offended you. Next time I will ask.” End of story. Instead he made excuse after excuse and pretty much tried to make me feel like it was ridiculous that I would be concerned about the content.

So, I am curious about your take on this? Mainly, is this content that would bother you if your child viewed it and what is your take on the Pastor's response to my concern?

It Takes a Village.....Part Deux

After this experience my husband and I talked at length about our main points of contention, which were primarily the time, place, and tone of the conversation and that is what we wanted conveyed to the principal. She was very responsive. She, of course, tried (albeit not very hard) to defend the secretary, but also acknowledged that the time and place were not appropriate and the tone was questionable as well. As far as the medical records go she said the only time the school generally requests documentation is when there is a long term absence (she defined long term as 30 to 40 absences which we are NO WHERE close to) due to a medical reason OR if multiple absences are affecting student performance. She acknowledged neither was the case in our situation so she seemed a bit dumbfounded as to why we were asked for this type of documentation.

The "funny" thing about educators is they (we) are always trying to explain how our system works to people outside of the education system. I understand why they (we) do that; it's because there are a lot more complexities to the inner workings, funding, budgets than people realize or politicians want to admit and acknowledge. However, I always find it funny when educators try to explain these inner workings to other educators, as is the case with me and my husband....not that she necessarily knew that.

Not truly pertinent to the story but a little funny was when she started to explain the role of the attendance clerk (which the receptionist doubles as...essentially pulling calls off the attendance hotline and recording the absences in the computer). My husband stopped her (politely) and just said, "My wife and I have both worked in many school districts as teachers so we are well aware the role of the attendance clerk. However, at no school we have ever been employed has the attendance clerk confronted a parent in the front office in front of other parents. Are you saying that here in (School District name redacted) School District the role of the attendance clerk is to confront parents publicly?" The principal reluctantly acknowledged that no, that was not the appropriate way to handle it.

She also began to explain the budgetary importance of attendance. Schools receive money based on how many students attend on any given day. When students are absent the school loses money. So, she began explaining that. My husband's counter to that was that in the state of Arizona school attendance isn't mandatory until a child is six years old. Our daughter is five. She is not required to be in school at all. Further, Kindergarten isn't mandatory in the state of Arizona. Again, she is not required to attend any school, so any money they receive from her attendance is gravy and should be viewed as such (according to my husband in his point to her). The principal had to reluctantly acknowledge this as fact as well.

Overall, we made sure to state that as a whole we were very pleased with the school. We wanted her to know we were happy with our daughter's teacher, the school culture and "feel", and that our daughter loved coming to school as well. So, while there were a couple of "moments" of differing opinions, she did understand where we were coming from and was responsive to those concerns. And having worked in schools and seen different principals interact with parents, this isn't always a given. There are principals who have very contentious relationships with parents and who don't validate or address their concerns. That really only breeds resentment and distrust. I can honestly say that despite little things here and there that irk me, the principal has always been responsive and does promptly address parental concerns while simultaneously defending her employees (as much as she reasonably can). Having been on both sides of that I know it is a balancing act. However, having worked for a principal who routinely threw teachers under the bus, myself included, in disputes with parents it was refreshing to see that while she understood our point, she also tried to make us understand the receptionists point as well, even though in the end we still didn't agree with it at all.

It May Take a Village, But Sometimes the Villagers Need to Mind Their Own Business

My older daughter, who is in Kindergarten, is a pretty healthy kid. Or at least was until she started school. She has been sick more times this school year than in her previous five years of life combined. In fact our pediatrician even made a comment to the effect of "I've seen her more this year than I have ever before." I know much of that comes with the territory of starting school and having a wider range of exposure, coupled with kids who are visibly sick who are sent to school when they clearly should be kept home. As a result waves of illness have rippled through our house almost all year long. So, our daughter has had some absences, not more than the 10 percent of total school days allowed by state law but we are cutting it close.

Today my daughter had a half day. I scheduled a dentist appointment pretty close to dismissal time so I went in to grab our daughter 10 minutes early (the Kindergarten students line up at 10 till anyway). As I was waiting for her to come up to the office, the school receptionist, and her position is important to my story, the RECEPTIONIST, not the principal, teacher, or even principal's secretary, but the RECEPTIONIST says, "Your daughter has had a lot of absences." She says this in the front office, where other parents are also waiting and listening. The following is an almost verbatim exchange (I began recording the conversation after the initial sentence because I was so angry).

Me: "Yes, she has unfortunately been sick a lot this year."

Her: "Yes, but she's had a lot. Most of them sick and some personal" (For the record, she missed three days when she stayed with m parents when I gave birth to our third child and the others were illness related, all of which I have documentation to support if I felt it necessary to provide).

Me: "Well, she has been sick more this year than she has been in her previous five years combined. I don't know what I can really do about that."

Her: "You're not concerned about her absences?"

Me: "No, she is doing fine in class and her teacher is not concerned about her progress so I am not concerned."

Her: "So you don't think attendance is important?"

Me: "I didn't say that. What I said was I am not concerned with her progress as her absences are not negatively impacting her performance."

Her: "You never took her to the doctor any of those times?"

Me: "Yes, I took her to the doctor for most of them. She was in the hospital at one point."

Her: "Well, can you bring in documentation to support that? You know to prove that they were medical absences?"

Me: "I don't feel that I am obligated to provide you with my daughter's medical records to support or justify parental decisions that my husband and I made in regards to the care of our daughter."

Her: "Well, if you had them they would support the absences."

Me: "Well, in the state of Arizona Kindergarten isn't even mandatory so I see no reason to provide medical documentation to excuse absences from something that isn't even mandated."

Her: "But don't you think that her attendance at school is important?"

Me: "Yes, but it is what it is. She has been sick. We appear to be one of the few families who actually keeps our sick kids home. I resent sending my kid to school and having her constantly ill, then spreading that through the rest of my family, because students who are clearly ill are not only sent to school by their parents but then allowed to stay here by the staff who can clearly see they are ill. I further resent being publicly questioned about the legitimacy of my daughter's absences. She is doing well in school and that is the bottom line. If her teacher isn't concerned I find it suspect that you are."

Her: "Well, it's just my job to let you know."

At that point my daughter had arrived and we left. I have multiple points of contention with this interaction. First, we just got my daughter's 3rd quarter report card yesterday. She received the highest marks possible in EVERY SINGLE category. She is clearly doing fine academically and socially. Additionally there is a spot on the report card that says, "Do absences or tardies affect performance?" Her teacher answered, "No." Secondly, the school has half days today and Friday for parent conferences. We received a note last week from her teacher stating that our daughter is doing well and the teacher has no concerned and thus doesn't deem a conference to be necessary, but we could request one if we had concerns. We declined. Along those lines I volunteer in my daughter's class once a week. I am present and involved and the receptionist knows this. Generally speaking, the kids who miss for less than legitimate reasons usually don't have parents actively involved at the school. It is also worth mentioning that her teacher has never once mentioned any concerns about our daughter and she and I have a great relationship. If she had concerns she would have absolutely mentioned it.

I am further bothered by the fact that the receptionist broached this topic with me at all, but additionally chose to do it publicly where the other parents in the office were privy to personal health information about my daughter as well as the contentious discussion between myself and the receptionist. I also have serious doubts about whether her job description entails confronting parents at the front desk about their children's attendance. The thing that she doesn't know is that my husband and I are both educators. We absolutely understand the importance of attendance and how vital that is to educational success. However, I don't know what the options are when our daughter was sick as often as she was (and I'm not talking colds; I'm talking Influenza A, Norwalk virus, Sinusitis, Bronchitis, and other viruses that caused very high fevers). Further, I don't understand why one would choose to make a point about it when she knows nothing about our child's academic progress. It would be one thing if her academics were suffering as a result, but they aren't and she doesn't know that because she isn't privy to that information which further calls into question why she is having this conversation with me. No other staff member has ever expressed any concerns about her absences. This includes the teacher and the principal and it includes the receptionist. If it really were her job then why did she wait until a chance encounter in the front office to broach the subject with me? If it really were her job why hasn't she called me before? She had no idea I was coming into the office today. She obviously looked at my daughter's absences in the computer when I signed her out and chose to make a point of it.

I just don't think that in any scenario it is the job of the receptionist to confront a parent about the cause of absences, especially in the presence of other parents. I find it to be beyond inappropriate and unprofessional to further question the medical necessity of such absences.

When I got home I pulled all the documentation from her doctor supporting each absence. I don't feel like I am under any obligation to provide this to the school and at this point because I am so angry I feel like I want to refuse simply out of principle. However, the other part of me wants to take them in and smack them down on the desk in front of her face and yell, "How do ya like them apples?"

I called my husband and told him the exchange and asked what he thought. He was just as upset and called the Principal immediately who agreed to meet with him tomorrow. I don't want to make a huge deal but I do want the principal to know that the receptionist crossed a line. My husband and I overall have been really pleased with our experience at this school. Our daughter's teacher is great, the principal is visible and consistently responsive, and our daughter LOVES school. Which irks me all the more that someone who is not even directly involved with my child's education is the cause of this sour feeling.

So, I'm interested in your opinion. Are we overreacting? How would you have responded if you were confronted in such a manner?

A Hodge-Podge of Thoughts

This week is Spring Break for my daughter. Months ago we had grand plans to take the kids to Disneyland this week, but due to some other circumstances that didn't happen. So, we've tried to do some fun things around town each day. We've gone to the park, an outdoor mall, we saw Rango, and the kids have been able to spend some time with both my mom and grandma. It's really nice to have her home.

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This was the week we got to reintroduce milk to our son's diet to see how he responded. It did not go well at all. The horrible skin condition on his mouth flared up after just one exposure, he broke out in a rash, and his nose started running. We gave him a couple more small doses of food containing cow's milk just to be sure, but by the second day he looked terrible so we stopped. We are giving him a couple days to recover but then we are supposed to reintroduce him to peanuts and then soy to gauge the reactions. I'm pretty nervous.

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When I was in first grade we lived in Boston. I have terrific memories of living there, going to school, and traveling. A man my dad attended Tufts with lived in New Hampshire with his family and so much of our time there was spent with them. We have photo albums that contain picture after picture of our families at each others homes, at get-togethers, etc. I was six when we left there and their oldest daughter was three. Through the power of Facebook I have come back into contact with her. Facebook bugs me for a variety of reasons, but it's not all bad. After all, it is pretty cool to reconnect with a playmate I had 27 years ago.

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Testing for Food Allergies

My poor son's lips started looking like this shortly after he turned one. They started out as just little cracks on one corner of his mouth and shortly thereafter it spread along half of his bottom lip. A few months later it affected his entire bottom lip. Shortly after that it spread to half of his upper lip. We took him to the doctor who thought it was because he licked his lips. We saw multiple dermatologists who said the same thing. They gave us creams, ointments, pills, chapsticks, antibiotics, steroids, anti-fungals, anti-bacterials, prescriptions, over the counters. Everything. Nothing helped and they only seemed to get worse.

After battling it for a year and a half and seeing countless doctors who basically said they had no clue, he was put on a dose of prednisone for asthma difficulties. A few weeks later it cleared up and remained clear for 8 months.

Then in August of 2010 it started coming back. A few weeks later he became very ill with mono and I wondered if the two were related. We went back to the doctor, were assured that it was unlikely they were related and got referred to four different dermatologists who each proved to be less helpful than the last. Our son has battled asthma and seasonal allergy issues for years and as a result also has super sensitive skin. So, I started doing my own research and suspected it may be eczema, triggered by some type of allergy, be it something he comes into contact with regularly or food. So I started making my own laundry detergent, removed the likely environmental culprits, changed his toothpaste.

Around the same time a friend contacted her brother in law (a doctor in another state) on my behalf who took a look at his medical history and the pictures of his lips. He kindly called me and offered some helpful suggestions, one of them being changing his toothpaste, which we had already done, and told us to avoid a few other things he was likely to come into contact with. He mentioned that if none of that helped then it could be a food allergy. When I mentioned this to the four dermatologists here they were quick to dismiss this as a possibility. They assured me this wouldn't be likely all the while I had this nagging feeling that it was related to food. The last dermatologist we saw I asked if he would allergy test him for the most common allergens and he said he did not feel it was necessary. I insisted; he declined.

Occurring concurrently with this was increased sensitivity to so many things he was coming into contact with. The underwear band was causing horrible rashes and hives around his waste. We spent weeks trying to track down underwear that didn't have a rubber band exposed (Thank you H and M). He was having horrible reactions every time we went to visit his great-grandmother. She has an inside dog and his face would break out into hives and swell until his eyes were mere slits each time we'd visit. We knew a dog allergy was unlikely since we have an outside dog at home, but suspected environmental allergies that the dog tracked in along with dog dander. Then, we went to the store to try on bicycle helmets. A few of the ones he tried on had rubber pads inside. A few hours later his head had a horrible rash in the pattern of the way the pads were placed on his head. A few hours after that his face was swollen.

I called his doctor who ordered an epi-pen over the phone and who then called in a referral to an Allergy specialist for the next day. Monday he was tested for 20 different allergens. We go back in six weeks for a more expanded panel. The allergist took one look at his lips and is fairly confident it is a result of a food allergy. The results came back showing he was allergic to a host of environmental things as well as Cow's milk, soybean, and tree nuts.

Our plan is that for the next 4 weeks he can have nothing that contains or has been in contact with any of those items. And let me tell you it was SHOCKING how many food items contain those things. It took us 3 hours at some specialized stores to find him alternatives to regularly consumed foods. Soy or soybean oil is seemingly in everything! After those 4 weeks we should see improvement in his mouth, if in fact a food allergy is causing it. At that point we have to start adding the known allergens back to see if we can figure out which group of foods in triggering the reaction.

Truthfully, it was incredibly disappointing to know that he is allergic to so many things, but it was also a great relief to finally have some type of answer. It seems like I had tried everything with no results and was at whits end. To finally have a glimmer of hope that we might be able to heal and then control this is a huge weight off my shoulders.

So far he is doing well. We replaced his milk with Rice Milk, which he likes. I have made my own bread for him to use with sandwiches. I had to also make my own mayonnaise. He eats a lot of fruit for snacks and as parts of meals so that was good. Many of the Boulder and Kettle chips don't contain allergens so that was also a "treat" for him. There's not a good cheese alternative so for now it has just been eliminated from his diet. We've had luck with the Enjoy Life brand in finding him some snacking food and my husband actually found non-dairy, non-soy, non-tree nuts chocolate chips and I made cookies (using canola oil in place of butter) as a treat that were actually delicious. Better than the regular chocolate chip cookies I usually make actually.

It is definitely an adjustment and may prove to be for life, but it is doable and necessary and he has been great about it. I'm definitely hopeful that his lips will improve and we'll be able to identify the trigger and know to avoid it in the future.

Interestingly, many of the creams I had been rubbing on his lips contained soybean oil. So, all this time while I have been trying to help him I could have inadvertently been causing more problems. My heart is crushed with this realization.

Flu

We have been a den of sickness 'round these parts since Thanksgiving. It's been one illness after the other, all relatively minor but lasting. Then our older daughter, who is regularly pretty healthy, became really sick a couple of weeks ago. She seemed to get better for a day or two but then got slammed with a really high fever, congestion, sore throat, chills, cough, the whole nine yards! We ended up in Urgent Care today where she tested positive for the flu (Yes, we got a flu shot months ago). So, Tamiflu has been prescribed to the whole family, except that I can't take it because I am breastfeeding and there is nothing safe for our 4 month old so we are just crossing our fingers and praying she gets through this unscathed. It is scary how sick our older daughter has become and how quickly it has happened!

The thing is....I realize people get sick. People can catch germs anywhere: grocery store, library, school, out in public anywhere really. However, I volunteer relatively regularly at my daughter's school and the number of children sent to school sick is high. The school policy is such that a child should stay home if he/she has a fever or any other visible signs of illness outside of minor sniffles. Apparently, I am one of the few parents who actually follows this rule. Each time I have been on that campus and in my daughter's classroom in particular there have been kids with green snot literally dripping out their nose. Last Thursday there was a child sooo sick in her class that when I came home I told my husband that I knew, KNEW, our daughter would be sick within days. (This child sits next to my daughter and was picking his green snot and then reaching into the community supplies that my daughter then used as well). She was sick by Saturday.

My frustration with this is two-fold. First, parents! What the hell are you doing sending your sick kids to school? Second, school officials! Why the hell don't/won't you send them home? I resent the fact that I go to great lengths to make sure I don't send a contagious kid to school and yet I feel like every time I send my healthy child to school I am sending her into a petri dish.

Play dates, Strangers, and other Such Things

I would consider myself a cautious parent, perhaps a tad overprotective. I obviously want my kids to experience things on their own but I also want to ensure that my children are safe and I am not doing anything that could put them into harm's way. An issue that has come up a lot since our daughter has started school is 'after school play dates.'

Prior to this year "play dates" meant either going over to my sister's house so she could play with her cousins, her cousins coming here or getting together with friends I have known for years. She has made some great friends at school and I have little reason to believe any of their parents would wish any harm to befall my child. However, I don't know them. I know that different parents have different philosophies and what might be allowed in their home might not be allowed in ours and vice versa. Our general rule has been, since quite a few of her school friends live in our particular neighborhood, that they can play outside in front of houses, but not in each other's homes. This has worked out well as the few girls she plays with have parents with similar philosophies.

Lately though I have had repeated offers from one of the girl's family members (not her mother, but another member who watches this little girl after school) to have our daughter come over and play. Truthfully I am not comfortable with this at all. They live close to us, but not in our neighborhood and the little interaction I have had with the mother and her husband was uncomfortable enough to give me pause. This family member asked me a week or so ago if my daughter could come over. I explained to her that our general rule was to not allow play dates unless either myself or my husband went as well. She seemed okay with this, however this would also require that I take my son and other daughter over as well, which I don't want to presume is okay with them and frankly, and this sounds bad, but it's more hassle than it's probably worth.

So, any advice on how to handle this? I don't mind going over a couple of times and truthfully if I had a better feeling about the girl's mother and step-father I would not be as nervous about this but we have very different ideas about what is appropriate, etc.

Greasy Center Mom

I volunteered in my daughter's Kindergarten class today. Those kids are a crack-up. When I got there they were about to say the Pledge of Allegiance. The "Pledge Leader" takes his (a boy was this week's pledge leader) job very seriously and you can tell all the other kids do too as they give him his proper respect as he begins.

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Last night as we were driving home I told my husband I needed to shower so I wouldn't have to do it in the morning. Our daughter says, "Yeah, you don't want to be a greasy 'Center Mom'." True dat! So I took my non-greasy self to her school this morning to help out and hang out with the kiddies.

One little girl tells me that she is going to go to Disneyland once her mom graduates from college. Then quickly says, "But that'll never happen. She has HUNDREDS of days left." Another kid was trying to say "I know who your daughter is" but kept tripping up on her words so she finally said, "I know who your sweetheart is."

A little boy had to hold my hand the entire time I read to him and then patted my hand when I was finished. Like I'd done an adequate job for him. :)

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I'm trying to get in the classroom once a week. It's hard with an infant who is breastfed because I can't be gone for too long and having someone to care for her is inconsistent. But I am glad I got to go today and the look on my daughter's face and the million hugs and kisses I got when I arrived and left was sooooo worth it.

In Which I Make the Tooth Fairy a Pimp

Our daughter lost her first tooth a couple of days ago. She put it in a special container on her dresser and the next morning woke up to find a whopping $1.75 which she promptly spent on a bag of Starburst at the Dollar Store.

In September during her routine dental visit the dentist noticed that her two bottom permanent teeth were growing in behind her "baby" teeth. He wanted to give them around 3-4 months to fall out on their own; if they didn't, he'd have to pull them. Well, it's been three months and the one tooth isn't even loose and her permanent tooth is almost completely in.

Anyway, I was telling her today that we may have to have it pulled. The conversation that ensued left me feeling total unqualified. Also, my daughter is going to figure out pretty soon that I'm full of it.

Daughter: "Mom, where does the tooth fairy get all money?"

Me: "Um, I guess she just has it."

Daughter: "Mom, she can't just have it. It has to come from somewhere." (man, she's been paying too close attention to my conversations with my husband).

Me: "Well, I guess she gets it from her boss." (at this point I can tell the conversation is not going to just drop off with simple answers).

Daughter: "Okay, so what does she do with all the teeth she takes?"

Me: "I suppose she keeps them."

Daughter: "That doesn't make sense. Why would she want teeth?"
Me: (beginning to panic a little bit now....racking my brain trying to think of something, anything to say) "Actually she sells them to a man who collects teeth and then he gives her money."

Daughter: "Then she gives us the money?"
Me: "Exactly!"

Yeah, I'm going to hell for lying. It's all fun and games until she goes to school and tells her friends that the tooth fairy sold her teeth to the man who collects them and then she got paid. It's like the tooth fairy has become some sort of pimp.

Up and Down, All Around

I'm sure my son has the attention span of a typical 3 year old boy. But I'll be damned if it is not killing me these days. He goes from one activity to the next, usually demanding my immediate involvement in a matter of minutes. By the time I get settled into one he's moved on to the next. This would not be a problem if it were just the two of us at home. But I have a 3 month old baby constantly in my arms, which requires lugging her around as well as keeping her happy as we move about the house every three minutes and twenty-seven seconds.

Our days goes something like, "Mommy, come upstairs to my room and play superheroes with me." I go upstairs, sit down start playing superheroes, and the next thing I know he's done. "Mommy, can you turn on the click start game for me?" Get that turned on, sit down to play with the baby and he's done. "Mommy, can you turn on Batman for me. I want to watch Batman." Turn on Batman. Son watches four minutes of it. "Mommy, I want to ride my bike outside." It takes me fifteen minutes to put his shoes on, open the garage, get his bike, set up my chair in the driveway so I can watch him. Just as all this gets complete, he rides his bike for five minutes and he's done with that too. It takes me another fifteen to put everything away. We go back inside, "Mommy, can you get out the crayons and some paper. I'm going to make a picture." I get out the art supplies, he scribbles for thirty seconds, and then asks if we can go play trucks upstairs.

Are you seeing the pattern?

How I haven't lost more weight is beyond me.

Does this go on in your house too?

Times are A'Changin'

Our daughter starts Kindergarten in a week. She is thrilled as can be and there is no doubt she is ready, but I am a nervous wreck. I don't want to send her off into this world where I can't see her and shield her and protect her. Just the thought of dropping her off on her first day has been giving me serious anxiety. Yesterday we went school supply shopping. Since we live in a state that doesn't value education and the budgets have been slashed we got a list PAGES long for supplies for not only our own kids but other kids in the class and teacher supplies. Lovely. anyway, that mission is accomplished, she has school clothes and once I get her new tennis shoes she will be set.

When my husband and I first moved here we took into consideration the school district and the particular schools our future children would be zoned to attend. A year ago we got rezoned. Either elementary school would be fine; they are both good schools but we were partial to the previous school for a couple of reasons. So, we applied for a variance and crossed our fingers. We were set on her attending this school. Then we found out they were having a large Kindergarten class and they would be unlikely to approve any open enrollment kids, of which our daughter is one, so we started getting ourselves used to the idea that she'd attend the school in which we are zoned.

For someone like me who plans out everything far in advance the not knowing has been killing me all summer. We were supposed to find out by this past Monday if she would be approved. When we called they hadn't made a decision about open enrollment until they finalized numbers for those kids who actually lived within the boundaries. Then today I got a call from the Principal who said that he was hoping to get approval for another Kindergarten class at which point our daughter would be approved and then that would significantly drop the class size to even smaller than the other school. But he won't know for sure until Monday. She starts the following Monday. Can I just say that I am stressed.

On top of that I am hot, very pregnant, and HOT!!! I have 30 days until this baby is born and it just feels like there are so many changes happening all at once. Any good, calming vibes you could send my way would be appreciated.

Five on the Fourth

My daughter takes after my mom in that she loves hotels. I'm not just talking about enjoys staying at them, but seriously LOVES them. And she's picky. She's a 4 star or 5 star resort type of gal. Travelling once we stayed at just a local hotel we found and she was like, "Ooh, this place is gross. Did you see how small the pool is. I bet they don't even have room service." Yeah, definitely my mom.

Anyway, her birthday is the 4th of July and since we had her party last weekend when our family was in town we had no real plans for the actual day of her birthday. Lo and behold she asked if we could go stay at a resort. She knows how to work it too. "Mom, you won't have to cook and you can swim so you won't be hot and you can just lay in the hotel bed and rest because you're pregnant." Master manipulator that one!

Anyway, I pricelined a room and got a 4 star resort in Scottsdale for $60/night. I took that as God's way of saying we were meant to spend the weekend in luxury. It was heaven. Large, comfortable room. Fun, happening, pool area. Nice dinners in Scottsdale each night. And two kids who didn't fight AT ALL. In the midst of all this fun my "baby" turned FIVE. FIVE! I can hardly believe it. It literally seems like just a year or so ago that I gave birth to her. Yet, here I am 8 months pregnant with child number 3. Where did the time go?

Sharing Is Not Synonymous with "I Want, Therefore I Take"

I am curious as to when the term "share" became synonymous with the word "take." Each week this past year I sat in the lobby with my son while my daughter took an hour long gym class. Each week I heard parents tell their children or implore others "to share." Some used this term correctly, but most did not even come close.

Today I reached my breaking point with a certain mother who loudly tells other kids that they have to "share" each time her spoiled brat of a kid whines about wanting a toy another kid is playing with. Today it happened to be my son. He was sitting with a few pieces that connect to make a bridge. This kid came over and tried to take the pieces from my son. God bless him, he held his ground and looked over at me like, "Do I have to give these up?" His mother then says, "Well, we ALL have to share. Maybe that boy will share with you." For the record, I hate that passive-aggressive bullshit. Not to mention....THAT'S NOT SHARING!!! THAT'S TAKING. There is a huge difference. Might I recommend a dictionary in which to look it up. I wasn't going to say anything in response, other than telling my son, that "No, you're fine. Keep playing" but the woman just wouldn't stop with her yapping about "sharing" said repeatedly solely for my benefit. I finally just looked at her and said, "Encouraging your child to take my child's toys is not SHARING. It's TAKING. Don't misuse the first word to justify the selfish act of the second." The room fell silent.

I just don't think sharing should be used as a justification for taking what you want right when you want it. Don't misunderstand. I don't advocate selfishness. Kids need to learn to share certain things (within reason) and take turns, etc. My issue becomes when people (read parents) use the term "share" to essentially justify taking something they want or they want their kid to have. Don't try to categorize that under the heading of "sharing." Just be honest about what it is.

If my kid has five toys and is playing with one then his friends can play with the other four. That's sharing. Sharing doesn't mean that my kid has to give up the one toy he is currently playing with because some other kid wants it right at that moment. My kid clearly wants it too. Which is why he is playing with it in the first place. So, why do some people view sharing as one kid having to give that one toy up when another wants it? That is not sharing at all. To me, there is a difference.

I would never expect a parent to make their kid give up his/her toy simply because my kid wants it too. I'd have my kid(s) find something else to play with until that kid was done with it. I just don't understand the parents who won't tell their kids, "No, that other kid is playing with that toy now, you will have to wait and find something else to play with." There are too many parents who are teaching their kids that to "share" means to a) take what you want when you want it and if that kid doesn't give it up then he/she isn't "sharing" and b) you have to give up a toy you are playing with if another kid expresses the slightest bit of interest and if you don't then you aren't "sharing" either.

There is going to be a generation, even more so than there already is, that will just expect instant results, instant gratification, never having been exposed to the concept of delayed gratification because they were always given what they wanted when they wanted it with little regard for others.

When relaying this story to a friend today she said, "Well, my husband doesn't believe in sharing at all. He thinks once you claim a toy it is yours to play with until you are done. That may be five minutes or it might be all day." I'm interested in your thoughts on this. Where do you stand? What say you?

Times Are a' Changin'

During my first pregnancy I held strictly to the no caffeine rule. I started weaning myself months before I became pregnant and didn't take a sip of caffeine the entire nine months. My husband came to every appointment with me (except for maybe one or two), even the routine monthly ones. About 12 weeks in I painted the nursery gender neutral colors (we didn't know the sex yet) and had the crib, dresser, changing table, and other baby necessities set up and ready to go.

Pregnancy number two wasn't much different. I still tried to avoid caffeine and except for the days that I just couldn't bear the migraines at which point I'd drink a real coke, I didn't put caffeine in my body. My husband came to less appointments with me as we realized his presence wasn't necessary at every single weigh in and I still had the nursery set up and ready around the start of my second trimester. We knew we were having a boy so we bought clothes and blankets and sheets and other more "manly" gear. By the time he was actually born we had been ready for 5-6 months.

Oh, how things change! Here I am 22 weeks into pregnancy number 3 (5months) and while I don't drink a ton of caffeine I have usually one glass (usually in the form of a soda) of caffeine a day. My husband has come to exactly ONE prenatal appointment with me....the one where we found out the sex and while his absence would have bothered the crap out of me during pregnancy number 1, I could care less now, realizing it's inconvenient for him to take off work and really outside of the "major" appointments I don't need him there anyway. As far as the nursery goes.....we have done NOTHING! I did sort clothes once we found out we were having a girl but now those close are dumped in a massive pile in what is currently our home office but what needs to transform into a nursery. The thought of doing it is overwhelming. The cleaning, the moving of furniture, the painting, the organizing. It has to get done and I'm starting to have some anxiety issues about whether or not I'll finish it in the next few months, but I just don't even want to start.

And don't even get me started on the journals I planned to keep each pregnancy. With our daughter I wrote diligently, almost daily throughout her pregnancy. I wrote quite a bit during my son's pregnancy as well, although at this point I have no idea where that journal is. I realized the other day that I haven't written a word about number 3, so I ran out and bought a journal the other day that I figured I better start writing in before this pregnancy is over and there is no record of it.

At this pace if we have a fourth he/she'll be lucky if we remember to name him/her!

If I Wanted Your Opinion I Would Have Asked For It, But I Didn't So Butt Out!

It infuriates me when people I don't know feel they have the right to step in and say something to my kids, however kind or well-intentioned. My husband and I pride ourselves on having well-behaved children. Of course, they are children and they act up but they are disciplined accordingly and for the most part act exceptionally well in public. They know the consequences of misbehavior and usually we don't have a problem. When it has come to behavior I have actually never had anyone say anything negative to us and many have actually commented on what well-behaved children we have. That always makes me happy and proud of them.

So, the type of "stepping in" I am referring to is more "butting in" and it's always from the 50+ crowd. I guess I don't know why they feel they have such liberty when it comes to input into my family. I'll give you an example. Today we were at Target with my mom. Both kids were in the basket part of the cart. I was in front of the cart, paying for my portion. My mother was pushing the cart so therefore standing behind it. My 4 1/2 year old daughter stood up in the cart to point out a pack of gum she wanted to my mom. She wasn't horsing around, she wasn't leaning out, she wasn't doing anything she wasn't supposed to be. The cashier instantly says, "Oh, sit down honey. The cart could shoot out and you could fall and smack your face and then you'd be hurt....blah, blah, blah." She goes into an entire series of events that would be unlikely to happen in the way she said, especially considering my mom and I were both holding onto the cart and it was pushed against the wall of the conveyor. Further, even if it did happen IT'S NOT HER BUSINESS! She didn't say it rudely and she wasn't being unkind, but I just resent the intrusion and undermining of my parenting.

My daughter's feelings were hurt so I said, "You are fine. You did nothing wrong." The cashier said, "Yeah, you're not in trouble. I just didn't want you to get hurt." This further aggravated me because it's not like she has the "power" to get my daughter in "trouble." I didn't want to be an ass, but I was also clearly pissed so I just said, "Yes, but that's what she has parents for. If I felt she was in danger I would have done something myself. I don't appreciate the interference." She was silent. I then said to my daughter, and loudly for the benefit of the cashier, "Sweetie, you are fine. You just worry about listening to your mommy, daddy, grandparents, and teachers. She is none of those things." It really bothered me and it really upset my daughter and it angers me still that she felt she had the right to say anything to a child that wasn't hers. I don't care how well intentioned, it simply wasn't her place.

I witnessed a similar occurrence with an older lady at the mall telling another mother with children close in age to my own that she should take the elevator with the kids because it's safer than the escalator they were riding on. While that may be, why does that lady think she gets to make a decision about the safety of another woman's children? It just floors me.

I can feel myself having to totally restrain myself from verbally berating the "butt-in-skies" and I hate that feeling. I hate feeling like I have to justify decisions I make when it comes to MY children and I don't know what it is about certain people that makes them feel like they're the expert and know what is in my family's best interest more than I do.

Rant over!