Only Shell

I once had a friend who thought for herself. She had her own opinions and own ideas. She then got a boyfriend and quickly adopted all of his views, did whatever he said, went wherever he told her. They'd inevitably break up and she'd move on to the next guy, whose views, even if they were in direct conflict with the previous guy's, she'd just as eagerly adopt. This went on for years. She no longer remembered how she really felt, what she really thought. She was lost. She became who each guy said she was, who he instructed her to be.

One day she married one of these guys. Gradually, over time, he told her what to think and believe, told her how to act and how not to act. He isolated her from her friends and family. His family became hers and took precedent over her natural family. His friends and siblings became her friends and siblings and she forsook her own. This whole transition was not only scary, but sad. It is how I imagine indoctrination into a cult being. She is now merely a shell of who she once was.

I'm fairly certain that deep down, in a place she will rarely access, let alone acknowledge, she knows all of this to be true. But she's trapped now. A marriage and progeny tie her to this new life. She believes she has too much to lose if she leaves. At least this is what I gauge to be true as a vacant, glazed look overtakes her eyes as her husband enters the room. The only time her eyes begin to clear is when he is far from earshot and she reminisces about times a decade or two ago. It is like she is quietly reminded of the hope she once had, the person she once was before she gave it all up to be who someone else wanted her to be. The ironic thing is, that I think she could be hopeful again if she was simply allowed to be herself.

I sometimes think that one day she is going to wake up and think, "What the hell have I done?" She's sacrificed much; she's given up entire parts of herself and allowed herself to be molded into this person that's barely recognizable. What if, one day, he wants her to be someone else?

While I don't agree with what she has done, I can understand it. It is for self-survival. She could never exist in this new family and circle of friends without adopting their views. They would eat her alive, belittle, and ridicule her. So, in turn she feels that she has to strike first, attacking those whose views go against "The Family." She has to prove she belongs. Unfortunately, those attacked are her former family and friends...those who knew her before she traded in who she was for what he needed and demanded her to be. Which makes it all the more sad. It is as if she has to be so forceful, insulting, confrontational, and borderline hateful in order to convince herself and others that this is who she really is. She is one of THEM.

More than anything, I now just feel sorry for her and pray she can live the next fifty years as someone she is not.

**Fictional piece; any similarities to actual people are unintentional

Your Computers Stink and I'm Bored to Death

For the past eight months I have been writing for a website that focuses on local attractions, events, community functions and the like. It was fairly fun as I got to go to many functions that I otherwise would not have attended, most of them family friendly which made it easy for me to take my kids. The work wasn't hard, but it was time consuming having to drive all over town to cover these events. They paid pretty well, though, and it was nice to have a little extra money each month.

The first of May I gave them notice that I'd finish the month but not continue in June. They were stunned, asked me why, etc. I told them that with some of the other projects I have been working on that have recently started gaining some steam that I would have a hard time finding the time to do it all, that right now I was overloaded with assignments, and some of them required a greater amount of attention than I was currently giving them. All of that is true. That is the primary reason.

However, the secondary reason is a bit more caddy and two-fold. The computer program they used that allowed me to format my articles into a template and submit them was slow as molasses. The photo and video program they used was even worse. There were times, and many of them, that it would take me hours to get articles uploaded that didn't take me nearly that long to write. It was ridiculous. I was constantly having to contact tech support, they were always resetting the account. I'd lose my screen halfway through and have to copy and paste and re enter photo captions all over again. I'm short on time as it is. Sitting in front of a computer screen for hours when I have kids running around the house like a scene from Lord of the Flies got to be a little much.

The second part of that two-fold reason was that it became boring and wasn't challenging anymore. I like to be challenged or feel like my work required some effort. I felt like that scene from Good Will Hunting where Matt Damon yells, "Do you know how easy this is for me?" And it's not like it was ever hard or overly challenging, but it was at least a bit more fun. But, how do you tell someone that you don't want to work for them anymore because you are bored to tears and hate their computers? I guess in my case you don't.

Second Chances

When I was a college student I had a couple poems and articles published. Nothing major and my "pay" was basically a certificate of congratulations. I was supposed to be satisfied with merely the "prestige" of being published. To be honest, at that point in my life, I was. I was an English teaching and writing major so it was something that came fairly naturally to me and something I enjoyed. It never felt like work (well, at least not most of the time).

I’ve posted before about my recent reflections on whether or not I should have accepted a technical writing job out of college instead of the teaching job I accepted. At that point I had plans to teach for two or three years and then go to law school. A plan that was put on hold after my daughter was born. I thought that it might not be too late to pursue what I had once let go. There were certainly more writing opportunities out there for me to explore.

So, I’ve spent the past four months writing new pieces and editing older pieces. I’ve made it a point to set aside time everyday for myself, usually really late at night since it’s the only time my house is quiet, to focus and write. I figure I’m still young (30) and the likelihood of another career is not out of the realm of possibility.

While I still want to be home with the kids while they are young I figured I’d be able to do most of the job, if not all of it from home, and during hours when the kids were asleep or days my husband was home. So, I applied for three positions and am contemplating applying for one more (what I would consider my "ideal" at this point in both content and pay). All were mostly contributing writer positions for publications. The type of writing varied from short stories to articles to reviews on various topics. I ended up being offered two of the jobs, one of them being the one I really wanted, and my first article, for which I’ll actually be paid for in cold, hard cash (or check), was published this week.

While I know that everyone who writes dreams of writing the next great novel (myself included) I also acknowledge that I have to start somewhere. I am excited about this opportunity because I am able to write about issues I feel passionately about and enjoy and I’m hoping this might lead to other opportunities. I’m looking at this as a good way to gain experience and get my foot in the door.

So, I guess in some ways I have rejoined the ranks of the working world. Wish me luck.