When I started this blog 1 1/2 years ago I envisioned it as simply a forum in which I could express my feelings and experiences, whether they be failures, triumphs, joys, frustrations, or anything and everything in between. I didn't do it to be popular or to acquire readers, even though I have whole-heartedly appreciated those who have read and commented . I did it for myself, though. I felt like it was something I needed, something I would enjoy. And for the most part I have. I have "met" wonderful people and read their wonderful blogs and felt supported and encouraged at times when I needed support and encouragement. For that, I will always be thankful and grateful.
Lately, though, I have started to feel like this is more of a burden than it is a joy or outlet for self-expression. I have felt like I have nothing to say or at least nothing of interest or importance. Or that this might not be the appropriate forum for the things I wish to say or feel passionately about. I have felt like I rack my brain for things to say only to come up empty or for a variety of reasons choose not to share. Right now, it's just not fun or rewarding.
On top of that I have felt for a long time that I self-censor. I filter what I'm thinking and dilute it before I write it. I don't know why. I guess there is a part of me that doesn't want to offend or insult. Or I think that readers might not be interested in that particular topic and I become "that blogger" similar to "that facebook poster". I don't know.
What I do know is that it feels disingenuous at times. It feels like I am not me. Don't get me wrong. What you have read is me. What I have said I have meant. But there are the words I haven't said, that I have wanted to or felt like I should, only to second-guess and hit the backspace or delete key. It's that part of me that I wish I could just turn loose. The unfiltered, uncensored, careless version of myself. I just don't know how entirely or if I even want to completely.
I don't know what all this means. I know I need a break. Some time to re-think the direction of this blog, to rethink how I get thought to screen without feeling like I am giving up part of what makes me, me. This break may be temporary, might be more.