Little Boys

There was a time in college, after our apartment was broken into, when I strongly contemplated purchasing a gun. I even went to a couple of shops, asked a bunch of questions, took a gun safety course, fired off a few rounds, and then ultimately decided against it. Honestly, I'm just not really a fan. My husband owns a gun, which is hidden safely away and hasn't been used in years. I don't have a problem with other people having guns, I just don't want one. I'm not anti-gun, but I am certainly not a "cling to my gun" type of gal.

As such, our daughter was not allowed to play with toys guns and until she was almost four she thought the huge super soaker at my parents house was a saxophone. When our son was born the same "rule" extended. We didn't buy him toy guns either. However, it was like a natural attraction. He saw his older cousin using a play gun months ago and the light went on. All of a sudden this big wooden "stick" he'd been lugging around had a purpose: to shoot. Pretty soon, everything was a gun: rocks, sticks, wooden spoons.

Honestly, I was a little torn. I don't really like the idea of shooting people as a game (and he now knows to shoot things, not people), but on the other hand I am a big believer in letting boys do what comes naturally to them. I don't want to squash any of that innate behavior. So a few months ago my husband bought him a toy gun that makes all sorts of electronic noises. He loved it for a few weeks, but ultimately liked playing with his swords more. The toy gun has been in the closet for about a month now and I figured the obsession had died down.

I was wrong. Today I took him to an outdoor sporting goods store where there were racks and racks of guns on the wall. I thought the boy was going to lose his mind. "Mommy, guns! I need a gun. Pleeeeaaaaasssssseeeeee!!!!" Then pointing at every single gun, "Mommy, look at that one. Mommy over here, look at that one." Honestly, it was a little embarrassing although the people in there seemed ready to sign him up for a lifetime membership to the NRA and Nascar tickets as a signing bonus.

He spent close to an hour looking at all the guns, knives, and arrows. When I told him that he could not have a gun, he moved onto the knives, which I also told him he couldn't have, then to the arrows, which also were a negative. He settled for a sucker. It's nice to know that my gun loving, knife craving, arrow envying boy can still be bribed with a watermelon push pop.

All I Want For Christmas Is A..........Pap Smear?

I was watching TV last night and one of the commercials was a public service announcement from CBS where a man sits on a couch encouraging the viewing men to get their loved ones a pap smear for Christmas. Has anyone else seen this? I thought, for sure, it had to be some type of joke. Apparently, it's not. They run one for Christmas and Hanukkah. The Hanukkah one concludes with, "Give her a gift that will light up her Menorah." I'm not Jewish but I'm thinking it's going to take more than that to light my Menorah. The Christmas one ends with "Give her a gift even Santa can't deliver."

I don't know. I love my ob-gyn, so I may be a bit more receptive than most if I were to be given this. However, in all seriousness, if my husband handed me an appointment card for a pap smear I'd be calling the closest marriage counselor.

Am I alone in thinking these commercials are a bit creepy?

Good Tidings are No More

One of the things I love most about the Christmas season is the seemingly sudden uplifting of spirits. People seem to want to treat others nicely -- keeping with the spirit of the holiday season and all. At least that has been my general experience in the past. This year has been different. There seems to be a permeating rudeness and a lot of that previously displayed good cheer has been replaced with short tempers, confrontational demeanor's, and just a general lack of common courtesy or manners. And it bothers me. It's discouraging. I like the friendly, comfortable tone that conversations often take among strangers when there is a shared joy or sense of purpose. There's something humanizing about it.

I'm the first to admit that I will defend myself when challenged, will often respond when confronted. But I don't go looking for conflict and often, even with presented with one, I'll try to find a way out (I supposed I've tempered with age). What I don't take kindly to is when my children have been wronged. The protector in me comes out and I am unapologetically defensive.

This past week has been really upsetting to me in that there have been a couple incidents I've either been directly involved in or witnessed that have floored me. Just the sheer rudeness has been stunning. I've said for a long time now that unfortunately there are not laws against being an asshole and some people seem to take great pleasure in that.

Saturday night we took our kids to a local outdoor mall to see "snow" fall. We got there early and were sitting by a fire. These two boys (my guess is 7-9 years of age) were running all over the place, playing in the fire, running into people. In our opinions, a bit out of control. The grandmother and father stood off in a corner, engrossed in conversation, not paying one iota of attention to what these boys were doing. My husband and a couple other people made comments about the lack of supervision and general poor behavior.

My daughter and I got up to walk toward where the snow would be falling and as we were walking these boys came running, full-barrelled down the sidewalk. The bigger one slammed right into our daughter, sending her flying and hitting the ground hard. He too went flying to the floor, but honestly I wasn't really concerned about him. He was two to three times our daughter's size. Our daughter was hysterical, I ran over immediately, and the grandmother and father still hadn't a clue. When she finally realized something was wrong she came over and started yelling at me about her grandson being on the floor. Her exact words were, "What happened? What did she do to him?" I'm sorry, but any moron who looked at the two kids next to each other could clearly tell who stood the greater chance of taking the other one out.

My response was, "What happened was your grandchildren were running around out of control without any supervision." Probably not the best response, but I was so angry and so stunned that I said the first thing that came to mind. This set off a verbal back and forth with my point being that it is customary when a child hurts another child that that parent or grandchild apologize and check to make sure the injured kid is okay. Real rudely and completely insincere she screams, "Well, I'm just soooooooooooo soooooooorrrrrrrryyyyyyyyy. Happy now?" It was unbelievable. She then started yelling at my husband about how I have no right to talk to her like that and he better "control" his wife.

Long story short, we walked away while she stood there on the sidewalk like a crazy woman screaming after us. The mother then came out and while we couldn't hear what was being said the grandmother was clearly filling her in. As a mother, I would think at that point that she would want to find out what happened. Nope, not a word. They had to pass where we were standing so we stood there and as the walked by the grandmother turns to the two boys and says, "Now." Both boys turn, stick out their tongues, and point over at me. What a great lesson to teach. Obviously, as an adult I did nothing. Acted like I didn't even see it.

Talking with my husband later we were both just incredulous. Our kids have been run into before and our kids have run into others. The first thing those other parents or we as parents have done is apologize and make sure the other kid is okay. Even in this case, while the kids were out of control, the actual contact was an accident. The boys obviously didn't mean to hurt our daughter. Had the grandmother come over and said, "Oh my gosh. What happened? Is she okay?" it would have been a completely different outcome.

I suppose I am just so flabbergasted at all the anger and so much of it misplaced. I understand times are trying. We have our own set of circumstances and frustrations but we do our best to not let it seep into other aspects of our lives. The thing that makes me most mad is in the span of a week our children have been exposed to some horribly ugly behavior and it was completely out of our control as parents. Even in this most recent episode while we were walking away the lady was yelling out horrible things that my daughter then repeated and asked about later. It was clearly upsetting to her.

I take my job to protect my kids very seriously, as does my husband. We limit their exposure to people, experiences, etc that we perceive to be damaging or questionable. How are we supposed to protect them when without any warning people behave like assholes? Even in trying to just walk away from these situations we can't control what others will say or do in the meantime.

I am just truly discouraged and sad that this is what our world has come to. I realize it's just probably been a bad week, but at the risk of sounding old, I miss the good ol' days where people didn't accost you in parking lots or scream at you for being concerned for your child. What happened to the days when people treated each other with kindness? I miss those days. I guess that's what I want for Christmas.

Venus and Mars Part II

The difference between girls and boys? Decorating the Christmas tree I gave each child a handful of tinsel and showed them both how to put it on. My daughter carefully and diligently pulls single strand by single strand out of her handful and carefully applies each evenly to the tree. My son takes two handfuls, throws it on the tree, stands back with his hands on his hips, admiring his work and says, "Perfect."

Venus and Mars

Some of the behaviors I love most about my son are also some of the same things that drive me crazy. He is such a free spirit and while I admire the independence the stubborn streak and at times just outward defiance is frustrating and embarrassing.

He is one of the sweetest, most sensitive and affectionate little boys. He tells me fifty times a day how much he loves me. If I leave the room, when I come back he tells me how much he missed me. He's full of hugs and kisses and he's like this way with his sister, his father, his grandparents, and his "favorite" cousin. I love this about him and can't get enough.

So, it's amazing how this same little boy can be filled with such a mischievous streak (and that's putting it nicely). It's not that he's mean-spirited at all. He just pushes the envelop as far as he can and truthfully consequences mean nothing to him. It's almost as if he weighs the options in his head before he does it and then does it anyway. I swear he's thinking, "I know if I hit my sister and then run away from my mom I am going to get in trouble, but it's worth it to know I upset my sister and my mom." Or, "I know my mom is going to be upset if I run away and hide from her in the store, but it's funny to see her panic thinking she lost me, so I'm going to do it anyway." The thing is that a lot of the behavior is not discipline-worthy, just frustrating. Example: trying on shoes and trying to make sure they fit and instead he puts the shoebox on his head and takes off dancing down the aisle saying, "The box is my hat."

I love that he's funny and can make anyone laugh and I love that he knows that he is funny. He performs for the reaction. But at the same time I am graying by the minute. He's a wonderful child and in truth, I'd take ten more just like him but he is such a boy and I mean that in the best possible way. I love having a daughter and I love having a son. I love them the same amount, but it's a different relationship with each. There are things that are specific to them that need nurturing and attention and boys and girls are just, by nature, so incredibly and wonderfully different. Nothing points that out more clearly than healthy, hyper little boys.

I want my son to be kind, compassionate, sensitive, caring and attentive. Those are qualities that I feel will one day make him a great husband and father. But I also want my son to be manly, rugged, rough, independent, and self-reliant. There's a tendency in our society to squash some of that natural beauty that is inherent in boys. You see it in school systems especially. They, at times, try to make boys into girls ( I mean that in a behavioral sense in that girls statistically have a longer attention span, are not as physical, etc.). So, I try to walk a fine line between disciplining him for inappropriate behavior but also letting him bask in his natural maleness (as I refer to it and as my husband mocks me for). Sometimes I get it wrong and let him bask when he should be disciplined and vice versa, but it's a learning process.

What were some of your children's most frustrating qualities or behaviors that also happened to be some of their most admirable?

Tis the Season

The Christmas season or maybe the stress of the economy seems to be bringing out the worst in people. Today, leaving a store with both my children, we were in the car about to pull through the parking space to exit the parking lot. As I was pulling forward a big work truck came in an attempt to pull into the space I was pulling forward through. I stopped, expecting him to back up since I was already halfway through the space. He didn't but instead kept coming at me, so I put my car into reverse and started backing up. I raised my hands with my palms upward in a gesture like, "What the heck?"

The man jumped out of his car, ran up to mine screaming, "Are you serious? Are you seriously going to get mad at me for trying to park?" I said, "Well, I was halfway through that space but whatever, it's not a big deal, so forget it."

He FREAKED. I don't know if he forgot his meds, escaped from the mental institution or what but he was screaming, "No, I will not forget it. F*&$ you, b&%ch. You can go to hell. F*%#! you" over and over again. I was so stunned, not to mention a little frightened. I pulled away but had to pass where his car was parked. I slowed down to write down his license plate number and the name of the company on the truck. While stopped a couple walked over to me who had witnessed the altercation encouraging me to not let it ruin my day, he was a jerk, they couldn't believe he did that, etc. I thanked them and was waiting to pull out of the parking lot.

The guy came back out of nowhere, smacked my car with his palm and screamed, "Can I help you?" I told him that if he said or did one more thing I was calling the police. He put his hand on my partially rolled down window and started screaming in my face how I was a b&*$# and to go f&*# myself.

I pulled out as quickly and safely as I could and called the police who came shortly thereafter. He had already left. I filed a report, but ultimately there isn't much they can do. There is no damage to my car or to me, thankfully and while he crossed the line it would be hard to prosecute.

My kids were scared and my daughter kept saying, "That is a bad man to call you that bad word. You are not a b*&$%, you are my nice mommy." I was so stunned I couldn't even come up with a response and really with kids in the car I didn't want to say anything to provoke him or show me in a negative light. The larger question is what is wrong with him to freak out over something so minor. While I was aggravated with him, it would have never occurred to me to jump out of my car and chase him down twice and I was the one in the right.

After the adrenaline wore off it scared me a bit to know that there are people out there, that look normal who are so easily triggered over something that happens tons of times a day in parking lots all over the world.

He mentioned something to me about calling the number on his truck, which led me to believe that he was the owner of the company. When I got home I did a little searching and discovered that he is in fact the owner, so there's no real recourse I can take there in terms of complaining about him. Oh well. Ultimately, I am just glad that he wasn't armed because he'd be the guy to open fire over something like this. I am rather bummed that my 4 and 2 year olds learned a new word that they've repeated quite a few times telling my mom, grandma, husband, anyone who will listen, "This very bad man told mommy she was a b*&$%."

So, how about you? Any altercations lately?

Elf on the Shelf

All holidays are pretty big in our house. We make a big deal so that the kids enjoy it and really feel like they are in the spirit of each holiday. As such, like most, we have encouraged their belief in Santa Claus (I realize some don't because they think it's tantamount to lying to their kids, but whatever...we do). Both accepted this pretty easily because hey, what's the complaint when some fat, jolly dude is going to bring you presents?

About a week ago I started talking to my daughter about Elf on the Shelf. The general idea is that one of Santa's helpers, the elf, sits on your shelf in the weeks leading up to Christmas, watching and then reporting back to Santa about whether your behavior has been good or bad. That night, the diligent parents, hide the elf in a new location for the kids to find the next morning and the myth continues. I thought this might be something the kids would really get excited about.

My daughter's first words were, "It's a stuffed elf right?"
Me: Right
Daughter: So, it can't talk.
Me: Well, it magically comes alive at night and can talk to Santa.
Daughter: But if it's a stuffed animal it can't talk. It can't just come alive. It's pretend.
Me: Uh, well this is a special, magical, elf...yada yada yada

Pretty soon I had concocted this new entire story about the elf. All the while my daughter sat there looking at me like I had lost my marbles. She finally interrupted me and said, 'Yeah, I don't think so, mom." Apparently, this elf is just a bit too far fetched for her. She's good to go on Santa, though.