When I started this blog 1 1/2 years ago I envisioned it as simply a forum in which I could express my feelings and experiences, whether they be failures, triumphs, joys, frustrations, or anything and everything in between. I didn't do it to be popular or to acquire readers, even though I have whole-heartedly appreciated those who have read and commented . I did it for myself, though. I felt like it was something I needed, something I would enjoy. And for the most part I have. I have "met" wonderful people and read their wonderful blogs and felt supported and encouraged at times when I needed support and encouragement. For that, I will always be thankful and grateful.
Lately, though, I have started to feel like this is more of a burden than it is a joy or outlet for self-expression. I have felt like I have nothing to say or at least nothing of interest or importance. Or that this might not be the appropriate forum for the things I wish to say or feel passionately about. I have felt like I rack my brain for things to say only to come up empty or for a variety of reasons choose not to share. Right now, it's just not fun or rewarding.
On top of that I have felt for a long time that I self-censor. I filter what I'm thinking and dilute it before I write it. I don't know why. I guess there is a part of me that doesn't want to offend or insult. Or I think that readers might not be interested in that particular topic and I become "that blogger" similar to "that facebook poster". I don't know.
What I do know is that it feels disingenuous at times. It feels like I am not me. Don't get me wrong. What you have read is me. What I have said I have meant. But there are the words I haven't said, that I have wanted to or felt like I should, only to second-guess and hit the backspace or delete key. It's that part of me that I wish I could just turn loose. The unfiltered, uncensored, careless version of myself. I just don't know how entirely or if I even want to completely.
I don't know what all this means. I know I need a break. Some time to re-think the direction of this blog, to rethink how I get thought to screen without feeling like I am giving up part of what makes me, me. This break may be temporary, might be more.
Oh no, you're leaving just as I'm returning! I definitely hear you, though. I'd blogged very regularly, several posts a week, for one year with no break. I definitely got burned out and needed the time-off I just took. It was well worth it to set the blog aside and come back to it refreshed. And I want to let you know that I did get the sense of your "self" this past year with your posts exploring different avenues of life. Enjoy your break, hope to see you back soon!
ReplyDeleteI have felt that way too. Take a break, and I hope to see you back.
ReplyDeleteI understand what you are saying and I will miss reading about you and your family. I haven't posted comments to many of the blogs I read every day but I've read every post you've made! If you take a break I will miss you and you will be in my list of blogs so when you come back I will see it! If you ever want to just say HI you have my emal
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your time off. Seems like a lot of bloggers are going through this right now. Happily, most have been back soon...hope you are too.
ReplyDeleteAlmost every blogger I read (including myself) takes a break to "refresh." I've enjoyed your blog and will hope that you return!
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